Open MRI….fraudulent advertising…..

I went for an open MRI today. I lasted 3.5 seconds in that damn tube.

It is a long story, but the eye doctor saw these folds on the back of my eye. So he sent me to a specialist, who did all kinds of test, scared the crap out of me, and then figured, as it is with many people, just my eyes. He said since the folds were on both eyes , it was unlikely there was anything growing in my head, pressing on my eyes. BUT….let’s do an MRI just to be sure.

I had had an MRI on my knee a few years ago, where I was in only up to my chest. I thought I would not make it through that one too. So, when I had to schedule this, I said let’s find an open one. Open hell. They are not open.

After you lay on the sliding table, the MRI lady puts a pillow under your knees. Then she locks a helmet over your head. I just read the helmet holds the antenna that transmits the signals. Anyway, that helmet was enough to make me break out into a cold sweat.

At this point I was rethinking this MRI business. Then she put a squeeze bulb in my hand and called it the alarm. ALARM??? I am going to need an alarm? She says if I squeeze it, she will pull me out immediately. Now comes the ear plugs. As I put them in she tells me she will be talking to me the whole time. I ask her how? I will have ear plugs in. She says she will be on a microphone within the “tube” and I will be able to hear her. She says….ok, let’s go. She pushes me in and tells me to close my eyes. I open my eyes. My face is inches from the top of the tube. I say, ” Get me out.” She gets me out.

She tells me people do this every day. I say good for them. I collect my belongings, hang my head, and walk to my car.

Now what. My eye specialist is a half mile down the road, so I go. I walk in, admit my failure at the MRI. When I announce that I made it only 3.5 seconds, the staff laughs. Just then a fax comes in from the MRI people to tattle on me. The doctor comes out, very sympathetic. He asks me if he gave me a Valium would I be able to do it. I ask if a Valium would make me think I was not in a tube. He has a plan. He will give me a prescription for Valium. I am to take one while at home one night. When it kicks in I am to cover my eyes and pretend that I am in a tube. If I cannot stand it, I am to pop another and try it again. When I get to the dose that makes me forget I am in a plastic tube, narrower than a coffin, I plan to take that many at my next MRI trial. I must show up an hour before I take the pills, so that I can legally sign the papers. I must have someone with me to pour my sorry ass in the car to get home. If that does not work, he will order a CT Scan instead.

Wish me luck.